I can still hear those words, in my father’s resonant voice, his distinct Jamaican patois – the language of a proud man from Clarendon, Jamaica. Yes, I still hear them. Just as I can still see myself, all 5 feet 11 inches of me, in my slim 15-year-old frame. I tried to square up my shoulders and stand tall, as my father, who was 5 feet 10 inches, just looked at me. His firm gaze shrinking me to the size of 6 years old with a runny nose and knobbly knees. It reminded me that I wasn’t ready to square up to my father’s broad frame – I dared not challenge his knowledge with my limited youthful ignorance. Those words made me feel small! Even when I recall them today, I still bow in deference to the man who asked that simple question: ‘So, you think you is man?’

 

In my haste to become a man, I had sought to dishonour and challenge my father. But his mild, firm manner awakened the fear of God within me. I realised that it was God’s mercy that restrained my father, allowing me to smile about things today. What on earth was I thinking? Was I crazy? Thank God for mercy!

 

Indeed, I look back and smile, yet at the same time I ponder the probing poignancy of my father’s question. It is just as relevant today, when many of us think we are men, but the evidence doesn’t always weigh up in our favour.

The fact that the majority of marriages that end in divorce are initiated by women who have reached the end of the road; the fact that in most domestic abuse cases it is the women who are the victims; the fact that most single-parent families are led by women;1 the fact that many men in our churches tend to run from leadership responsibilities – these things suggest that while many of us are men in years and gender, sadly, some of us have not matured emotionally, spiritually, or socially as the men that God desires us to be. Sadly, some of us are men in gender but still boys in our hearts, our lives, our relationships, and our sense of identity.

 

Nowhere has this been more clearly demonstrated to me than within the context of my own marriage and parenting. For instance, in the early years of marriage to my wonderful wife Andrea, during one of our rare but heated exchanges I determined to make Andrea feel the wrath of my displeasure by not talking to her for two days. I felt that my silence would make her feel how upset I was and thus make her suffer! Or when my children had ignored me at school in front of other children and parents, causing me shameful embarrassment and making me feel unwanted. To this I responded by ignoring them for the next hour. In each case I failed to articulate my feeling, and didn’t show understanding or forgiveness. I was being emotionally immature.

“S0 YOU THINK YOU IS MAN?”

by Pastor Andrew Rashford-Hewitt

 

Sadly, I was not being a man – I was a man acting like a child.

 

The reality is that emotional maturity is not something that develops overnight or without effort. Emotional maturity is not something that only affects men. It affects women too. However, the more emotionally mature we become, the more likely we are to experience inner peace, a better understanding of ourselves, and better relationships with others.

 

Now, emotional maturity is nothing new: Paul spoke of this when he wrote the words in 1 Corinthians 13:11 (KJV): ‘When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.’ Simply put, emotional maturity is a process whereby we learn to live out the principles of God’s love within our own lives, including our relationships with others. Thus, when we do as God’s Word teaches us we cease blaming others and accept our own responsibility. To this end Albert Schweitzer wrote, ‘Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will – his personal responsibility in the realm of faith and morals.’

 

Over the years I have begun my own move towards deeper emotional maturity, through reflection, therapy, reading, sharing, the blessings of others, the loving patience of my darling wife and, most of all, the amazing grace of God. I have thus come to notice the childish, immature tendencies of my emotionally tender heart. I am still on this journey, but this is not something I can achieve by myself. No, I need God’s Holy Spirit at work in my faltering faith and I need the counsel of trusted others.

 

Since I have been on this journey, I realise that many other men might benefit from such a personal journey. A journey of self-exploration, of ownership, of no more excuses, of accepting the truth – the whole truth and nothing but the truth – in regard to our own frail self-esteem and selfishness. A journey into the deep waters of the heart (Proverbs 20:5) where we may gain understanding and accept the realities we have created and our responsibilities. A journey of healing and divine grace that will propel us forwards with mercy in our hearts, kindness on our tongues, patience in our spirits, love in our eyes, healed emotions in our hearts and a clearer, refined view of who we are as men: made in the image of God.

 

Ultimately, I believe, there comes a time when every man must choose to put away the cycle of childish contemplations that he has cherished and replayed to himself over and over, and make a conscious choice to move toward maturity and manhood. He must either do this or choose to remain with his self-centred self pity and self talk, and so forever remain a child! So, what will you choose? If you choose to make the wise decision, here are a few pointers that might help:

 

• Accept the biblical injunction that wisdom and understanding can only be gained by first accepting the Holiness of God (Proverbs 9:10). This will change your self-view.

• Seek good Christian counselling for yourself. You deserve to make this time for yourself to grow (Proverbs 15:22). Here are two options: NEC Rainbow Christian counselling (01617403602) or SEC Cornerstone (02077238050).

• Pray that God will teach you how to grow in His grace to become more emotionally secure in His love, thereby enabling you to invest emotional warmth in others.

• Try reading The Secret of Maturity by Kevin Everett FitzMaurice (third edition) or other related material.

• Ask your local Men’s Ministry /Women’s Ministry leader for material, or speak to your pastor, a trusted elder or your local Family Life director.

• Thankfully, there are many emotionally mature men in the Church, so seek them out and associate with them – make friends with them and pray with them.

 

Today, I seek to live a life made more complete by the love of Christ and the power that His love brings to heal my own emotional inadequacies. Today I seek to be more emotionally attuned to the needs of my family, more committed to God’s love and less preoccupied with ‘my’ world. Today I challenge and encourage every man reading this article to do the same. May God bless us all to be the strong, emotionally secure men He created us to be.

1Office of National Statistics: up-to-date data can be accessed at: www.ons.gov.uk/ons/publications/re-reference-tables html ?edition=tcm%3A77-328237  2Quoted in Mary Mackenzie, Peaceful Living: Daily Meditations for Living with Love, Healing, and Compassion, PuddleDancer Press: California, USA (2005), p. 383

 

Pastor Andrew Rashford-Hewitt pastors the Wellington and the East Northamptonshire district SDA churches

This article published in Messenger 7 February 2014, Vol. 119.3 and was published here with his permission.